Identity Crisis

This blog is the beginning of the end to my journal writing life.

I never saw the point in getting a "Web Log", the real name for a blog, especially since I possess a good number of pens and journals due to a silly fetish. (I have a collection of random office supplies that would stock Staples for a year.) The idea of my personal life, my thoughts, the things I keep dearest to my heart displayed for all the world to see is certainly not as appealing as the privacy and intimacy of a journal. Then again, I've never been the most private person, either.

As a child, I was extremely extroverted, enjoying activities such as dancing, singing, and performing. I'd say "hello" to passersby from my seat in the grocery cart, discuss Jesus with strangers, and tell the hairdresser about my parent's financial difficulties. Yes, as a child, I definitely lacked discretion, and my shortage in tact continued through my teen years. It provided me with a countless number of lectures on the different meanings of the word "modest".

For example, when I was sixteen, I learned modesty in behavior, the hard way. I had a close friend of 5 years- too close- until January of 2007. He had strong feelings for me for the duration of our friendship, and I made the mistake of flirtatiously leading him on. My family warned me- lectured me, pleaded with me- as to what lay ahead if I continued flirting, but I didn't heed them. My behavior resulted in two hurt hearts and a lost friend.

I learned another very hard lesson in modesty in December of 2007. The situation was unique, to say the least, and I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared for what lay ahead. I had invested so much of my time, my identity, and my emotions into two of my closest friends, a Jonny and Alyssa, and couldn't dream of the anguish that their relationship would cause. They began to date in November, and I obviously became the third wheel. The fact that Jonny could deceive and manipulate like no one else didn't help the situation either- especially when I discovered that it was the reason my girlfriend was jealous and angry with me. He had been feeding her lies about me and my conduct so smoothly and deceptively, she grew angry and jealous, and refused to talk to me. She still refuses to talk to me.

Long story short, I had been so immodest with my identity, with what I stood for, I became who I associated myself with. As a result, I lost my sense of purpose when I lost them as my friends. All at once, those daddy-daughter discussions on modesty sunk in. I swallowed hard, turned to the Lord, and gave Him the mess I had created of myself to fix in any way He desired.

That dramatic episode came to a close a while ago, and I have certainly learned to apply modesty in all areas of my life. Granted, I'm not perfect, but who is other than our Savior? I'm simply thankful that He embraces all of me, my faults and flaws, forgiven and forgotten. Now, I place my identity in Christ's and my heart in His hands, offering what I can and will to serve Him.

So, maybe there is a purpose to this blog, other than my innermost thoughts casually jotted down for all to see. Maybe dislodging my journal contents to the World Wide Web will be worthwhile: perhaps there's a ministry here.

We shall see.

Yours truly,

Riley